so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
