Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
