Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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