I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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