my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
A+ Viking dick
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
