What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
