I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
