if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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