Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
