mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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