What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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