My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
