so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
