It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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