I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Terrible idea I love it
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
