sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
