I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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