i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
