I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
