she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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