Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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