How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Randomize
