Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
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