maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
