seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
