Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
