I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
