Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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