i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
