i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
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After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
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The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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