I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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