Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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