I feel like abortions should bother me more
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
