you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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