Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
