I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
