I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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