I want to have your abortion
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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