I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
