I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
