So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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