I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
