I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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