My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
