You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
