Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
