am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
