I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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