Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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