On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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