your parents love me but you hate me
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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