WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize