So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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