yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
