when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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