textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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