every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
