Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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